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This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above:
"You will live to be 100."

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard
"You will live to be 100."

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?"

God said: "I didn't recognize you."

May those who love us, love us. And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts. And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May He turn their ankles, So we may know them by their limping.

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

► I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. 

► I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. 

► I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. 

► In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. 

► Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. 

► My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. 

► I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more. 

► I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. 

► Joan of Arc heard voices too. 

► I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. 

► When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying. 

► All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts. 

► I am at one with my duality. 

► Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. 

► I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws. 

► Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." 

► A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. 

► I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. 

► Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents. 

► I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.