In the United States District Court,
Southwestern District,
Tempe, Arizona
Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous
states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme
Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise,
incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state,
district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal
injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused
as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence of said
company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47,
section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he
has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"),
through that company's mail-order department, certain products
which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture
or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr.
Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession
of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr.
Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living
in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and
thus not eligible for Worker's Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant
via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote
was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey.
Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its
wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance,
activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars,
the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate
force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty
feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward
with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck
and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing
over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet
trail along his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote
abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing
veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted
to follow this maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly
designed steering and a faulty or nonexistent braking system.
Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled
brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a
mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit
B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the
multiple fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by
Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries
required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears),
a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.
Hampered
by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support
himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an
aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted
to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident
remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled.
Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product
which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate
vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety.
Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the
Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with
a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the
shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in
this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased
of the Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker,
the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see
the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition,
entered into evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say
that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr.
Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example:
At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote
constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough
beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around
it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor.
The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive
of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly
down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote
placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then,
carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed
to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the bird
seed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse.
In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the
bomb to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation
to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted
in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to
dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking,
frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of
a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's
Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical
laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara
for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for
this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised
by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal
sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile
strength and compressed into a tightly coiled position by a
cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that
this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the
initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote
affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder.
Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was
known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal
sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding
firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's
prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting,
the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs
at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care
and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.
At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote
forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet
unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away
from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr.
Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled,
bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the
boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling
upon his lower extremities.
The
force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon
Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision
followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in
shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and
recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce,
Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder
came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact
with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued
for some time.
A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage
to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement
of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and
compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition
of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular
horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues -- a rare and
painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and
contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit off-key,
accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and
embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment
to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly
of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work.
It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage
to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products
as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils,
and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come
to distrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic
source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what
our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make
of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize
the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and
over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these
larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in
the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote
seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost
from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general
damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million
dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand
dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and
fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount,
this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers,
shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language
they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator
to equal protection under the law.
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