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I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in
my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement, which, I
admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your
bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on
the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be
blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my
affairs beginning this very momemt, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and
conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment and I know you will be excited and proud. I have noticed
that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,
when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch
whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under
the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please
find attached an Application Contact Status form, which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course
I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing
field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which
you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your
bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at
any time and will be answered by an automated voice service: Press
buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to
the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service.

While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain
from "The Best of Woody Guthrie": "Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That
the miners sweated for." On a more serious note, we come to the matter
of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for
greater efficiency comes at a cost, which you have always been quick to
pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized
Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty
for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. New phone service
runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your
inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up
of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)

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