| Cause
of Death Lifetime Odds for the average American:
: |
|
Heart Disease odds: 1-in-5
- Take a 81 mg aspirin daily, eat healthy foods, exercise
in moderation.
|
|
Cancer odds: 1-in-7
- Don't smoke, drink purified water, avoid living near
or around chemical plants.
|
Stroke odds:
1-in-23
- Take a 81 mg aspirin daily, eat healthy foods. Don't have
long discussions with people who disagree with you politically. |
Accidental Injury
odds: 1-in-36
- Don't do anything, ever. Sit in a non-folding chair.
|
Motor Vehicle
Accident odds: 1-in-100
- Stay away from moving cars, airplanes and other motorized
vehicles. |
Intentional Self-harm
(suicide) odds: 1-in-121
- Talk to someone, a professional, not a peer. |
Falling Down
odds: 1-in-246
- Stay in a chair, or lie on the ground. |
Assault by Firearm
odds: 1-in-325
- Stay away from guns, and keep people with guns 400 or more
yards away from you. Stay five miles or more away from tanks,
or stay right inside of the tank. |
Fire or Smoke
odds: 1-in-1,116
- Avoid being near paper, wood and flammable things.
|
Natural Forces
odds: 1-in-3,357
- Avoid places effected by weather. |
Electrocution
(accidental) odds: 1-in-5,000
- Use only low level kinetic or mechanical energy products. |
Drowning odds:
1-in-8,942
- Stay away from water, don't look up open-mouthed when it
is raining. |
Air Travel Accident
odds: 1-in-20,000
- Don't go on airplanes, continually check the sky for incoming
aircraft. |
Flood odds: 1-in-30,000
- Live on a mountain, or on the "other side" of
river flow. |
Legal Execution
odds: 1-in-58,618
- Don't kill anyone while committing a crime, even accidentally.
|
Tornado odds:
1-in-60,000
- First off, NO TRAILER PARKS. Living in a big city, or wearing
a PopCultureMadness.com "Anti-Tornado" T-shirt seems
to offer protection. |
Lightning Strike
odds: 1-in-83,930
- Stay indoors, be grounded, or live in your car. |
Snake, Bee or
other Venomous Bite or Sting odds: 1-in-100,000
- Body armour works, also: venomous creatures don't like
the cold either. |
Earthquake odds:
1-in-131,890
- Life in a hot air balloon can be fun. |
Dog Attack odds:
1-in-147,717
- Having a well trained and well fed dog for yourself offers
reasonable protection. Make sure he/she likes you, however.
|
Asteroid or Meteor
Impact odds: 1-in-500,000
- We have found that anyone wearing a Pop Culture Madness.com
"Asteroid Protection" T-Shirt has never been struck
by an asteroid. |
Tsunami 1-in-500,000
- "Anti Tsunami" T-shirts are not effective. Living
on or near a mountain, or even deep under the sea offers reasonable
protection. |
Fireworks Discharge
odds: 1-in-615,488
- This one is easy, and just four words:
Armored asbestos body suit |
| SOURCES:
National Center for Health Statistics, CDC; American Cancer
Society; National Safety Council; International Federation of
Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies; World Health Organization;
USGS; Clark Chapman, SwRI; David Morrison, NASA; Michael Paine,
Planetary Society Australian Volunteers |
|
Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired
of reading obituaries noting other's courageous battles with
this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle
as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. True
to Fred's personal style, his final hours were spent joking
with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged
for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife
and kids. He loved his family. His heart beat faster when
his wife of 37 years Alice Rennie Clark entered the room and
saddened a little when she left.
His legacy was the good works performed by
his sons, Frederic Arthur Clark III and Andrew Douglas Clark
MD, PhD., along with Andy's wife, Sara Morgan Clark. Fred's
back straightened and chest puffed out when he heard the Star
Spangled Banner and his eyes teared when he heard Amazing
Grace. He wouldn't abide self important tight *censored*.
Always an interested observer of politics, particularly what
the process does to its participants, he was amused by politician's
outrage when we lie to them and amazed at what the voters
would tolerate.
His final wishes were "throw the bums
out and don't elect lawyers" (though it seems to make
little difference). During his life he excelled at mediocrity.
He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due
to his limited attention span. He had a life long love affair
with bacon, butter, cigars and bourbon. You always knew what
Fred was thinking much to the dismay of his friend and family.
His sons said of Fred, "he was often wrong, but never
in doubt". When his family was asked what they remembered
about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the
shower - on purpose.
He died at MCV Hospital and sadly was deprived
of his final wish which was to be run over by a beer truck
on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a double date
to include his wife, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter to crash
an ACLU cocktail party.
In lieu of flowers, Fred asks that you make
a sizable purchase at your local ABC store or Virginia winery
(please, nothing French - the *censored*) and get rip roaring
drunk at home with someone you love or hope to make love to.
Word of caution though, don't go out in public to drink because
of the alcohol related laws our elected officials have passed
due to their inexplicable terror at the sight of a MADD lobbyist
and overwhelming compulsion to meddle in our lives. No funeral
or service is planned. However, a party will be held to celebrate
Fred's life.
It will be held in Midlothian, Va. Email fredsmemory@yahoo.com
for more information. Fred's ashes will be fired from his
favorite cannon at a private party on the Great Wicomico River
where he had a home for 25 years. Additionally, all of Fred's
friend (sic) will be asked to gather in a phone booth, to
be designated in the future, to have a drink and wonder, "Fred
who?"
Published in the Richmond Times-Dispatch on 7/9/2006
|
