Men, Translated

"I'm going fishing."
Really means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means: "What did you catch me at?"

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
(1879-1955)