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WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff
v.s.
THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant
In the United States District Court,
Southwestern District,
Tempe, Arizona
Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona
and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages
against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor
of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and
doing business in every state, district and territory.
Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries,
loss of business income, and mental suffering caused
as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence
of said company, under Title 15 of the United States
Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating
to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions
he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"),
through that company's mail-order department, certain
products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects
in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales
slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are
at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit
A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily
restricted his ability to make a living in his profession
of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not
eligible for Worker's Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received
of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The
intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to
aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the
Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping
crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated
the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars,
the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate
force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length
of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's
body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe
strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly
astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon
at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along
his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast
of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing
veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted
to follow this maneuver but was unable to do so, due
to poorly designed steering and a faulty or nonexistent
braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress
of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision
with the side of a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit
B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details
the multiple fractures, contusions and tissue damage
suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision.
Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around
the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full
or partial casts on all four legs.
Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless
obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased
of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of rocket
skates. When he attempted to use this product, however,
he became involved in an accident remarkably similar
to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again,
Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product
which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two)
to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision
for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts,
Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after
strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard
so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his
full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to
list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives
purchased of the Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant"
Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc.
(For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives
Catalogue and attached deposition, entered into evidence
as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once
has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote
performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example:
At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr.
Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a
wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and
spiraling downward around it to some few feet above
a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was
designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of
the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly
down to the point of detonation indicated by the X.
Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly
on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb
(Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte.
Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the bird seed, approached,
and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant,
the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to
detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation
to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product
resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and
muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the
ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing
kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid
charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains
of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd
are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been
shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University
of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to
date no explanation has been found for this product's
sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant,
this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal
sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high
tensile strength and compressed into a tightly coiled
position by a cocking device with a lanyard release.
Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him
to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the
chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further,
Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side
of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path
which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote
put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and
crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly
to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's
prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him.
Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well
within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote
gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull
the lanyard release.
At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust
Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead,
for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes
thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended
prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in
air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote
to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder,
the full weight of his head and forequarters falling
upon his lower extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to
rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A
second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile,
which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce
down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs
adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came
into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into
contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with
the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process
continued for some time.
A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical
damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium,
sideways replacement of the tongue, reduction of length
of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae
from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along
a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal
folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues -- a rare and painful
condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and
contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit
off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The
distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom
has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit
of a normal social life.
As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual
monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by
Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant
has used its market advantage to the detriment of the
consumer of such specialized products as itching powder,
giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long
rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust Defendant's
products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of
supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our
trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make
of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed
to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful
manner over and over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard
these larger economic implications and assess punitive
damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars.
In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed
meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional
occupation) of one million dollars; general damages
(mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million
dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty
thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million
seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding
Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure
Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors,
and assigns, in the only language they understand, and
reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal
protection under the law.
"A horse may be coaxed
to drink, but a pencil must be lead."
- Stan Laurel
***
Two fonts walk into a bar. The
bartender says to them,
"Get out! We don't serve your type here."
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