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October 13th
Joke and Trivia
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The story behind this... There's this nutball who
digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he
finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific
names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.
The really weird thing about this letter is that this guy
really exists and does this in his spare time!
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute,
labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline
post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a
careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you
that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive
proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County
two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what
you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety
one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be
the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have
given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen,
and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar
with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that
there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen
which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
are typically fossilized bone. The cranial capacity of the
specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below
the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is
more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it
is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams"
you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This
latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution,
but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.
Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that
a dog has chewed on. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny
your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially
due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation,
and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in
fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge,
no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon
dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly,
we must also deny your request that we approach the National
Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept
of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus
spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought
tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy,
but was ultimately voted down because the species name you
selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might
be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly
not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting
example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate
here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director
has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display
of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution,
and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen
upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in
your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's
capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several
of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly
interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding
the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions
in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile
Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on
the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman
automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
A
Classic: a book people praise but don't read.
- Mark Twain
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