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Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty
to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,
I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them
cracks and splinters. That is the "loser", and I
eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another
round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and
red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically
inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a
race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition
that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy
that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest.
Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very
rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.
In this way, the species continues to adapt
to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left
with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would
make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in
an envelope and send it to:
along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please
use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent
me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I
consider this "grant money". I have set aside the
weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds,
we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.
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